The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows (Beetlejuice Episodes)
by Daryl Wor
Summary: Imagine… if you will… almost all the 1960's spooks coming together, or sending help from afar… That is, these folks: Morticia and Gomez Addams, Lily Munster, Captain Daniel Gregg, Wadsworth from "Clue", and a few not so 1960's interrupting a long story-line to solve one horrible, screwed-up place: Collinsport. (Audio version available.)
1. Episode 16: A Death In The Family

**_A/N: Hello, fellow fans. This may look a little strange, but it's certainly not a cross-over, it's a multi-fandom. Other methods and websites didn't work out for fun discussion/reviews but this method has to reach the right people. This show is a relief-series for 1960's daytime drama "Dark Shadows". Several classic spooks are along for the ride to lend a hand. I wasn't sure about our BJ at first, but then I realized he was likely around a long time, even in 1968, so this shows him pre-movie._**

 ** _I like to channel and ask my adopted characters what they would do or say. When I asked him to help? He smiled with open arms and told me:_**

 ** _"I'm all yours, babe. Happy to be of service." ;)_**

 ** _(He's hidden in the script with a different "name". I hope you like a puzzle. I'm sure you'll figure out where he is.)_**

 ** _There are many more episodes if you're interested and they are finished in podcast form, including this one. I do my best for all the character voices and I'm told my Michael Keaton impression was very good._**

 ** _Well here it is, and on podomatic, podbay, iTunes, googleplay, and archive dot org, as usual. Hope you're ready for The Ghost With The Most. Happy Hallowe'en!_**

* * *

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 16: A Death in the Family

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness Theme]

MILLIGAN: Hello. My name is Sir Simon Milligan and I welcome you to The Pit of Ultimate _Dark Shadows_. And in these Shadows what dreams may come? Bourn is the death of our beloved handy-man, Tom Jennings, who we understand to be a family relation, or so our ghoulish Caleb Collins has referred to him as.

HECUBUS: Yes, Master.

MILLIGAN: AHH! Oh, piffle. We might as well assume you're here whenever I am, Hecubus. It would make the intro much shorter as things go…

HECUBUS: This is true, my evil Lord.

MILLIGAN: And as per usual, our beloved and _evil_ Angelique has worked up some mischief to which others must suffer and… oh… what is it, Hecubus?

HECUBUS: (sniffing) Oh, we know she's polite… when is she going to _show_ it?

MILLIGAN: Yes, I know, my wee wicked one, it is getting to be a bit much after all the joy we finally were able to conjure up around here… but she IS a toughie, I'm afraid. (Contemplative) You know… everyone seems to holler after you more, Hecubus. Maybe YOU could get her on a date instead of me.

HECUBUS: (delighted) ME, Master?

MILLIGAN: Yes, sure, why not?

[Hoots and hollers from the audience.]

HECUBUS: (gleefully) Oh, my! That cheered me up.

MILLIGAN: As it was intended to. And now that we're _over it_ as far as an introduction goes, we continue with the story. Willie Loomis is a little perturbed.

HECUBUS: Why, Master? Because of Angelique's blood drain on Tom Jennings?

MILLIGAN: No… it's something more we'd be perturbed by. You see, there's a woman in The Old House, who remained overnight.

HECUBUS: Oh, of course! Well, yes, I could see how that would perturb us, a bit exciting that. So why is she able to stay there?

MILLIGAN: Well, if one is sharing time with the ghost of a potential sister-in-law, however corporeal now in form, I suppose our Miss Evans has come to understand that's a good a chaperone as any. Besides, since she's gone through her triple-past-life-regression, it IS her **room** , isn't it? Perhaps she wants to get used to feeling safe in there. I could easily see how she could, anyway. Light blue quarters ARE supposed to calm the nerves, or so I've heard.

HECUBUS: Yes, I believe they do, Master. But now we must continue our saga along the twisting, curving path of… General Hospital…

[Cricket chirp]

MILLIGAN: Wrong show, Hecubus.

HECUBUS: No, Master. We mean, by which, the general hospital of Collinsport, wherever that may be and whatever it's called.

MILLIGAN: It's called The Collinsport Hospital, you dumb devil-bunny!

HECUBUS: Whoops! Of course, Master.

[Crashing waves, Dark Shadows theme music, blah, blah, blah]

HECUBUS: And so, Dr. Hoffman and Professor Stokes, having been called at Dr. Hoffman's less **dusty** office, while sorting through her mail and staff records, were related the information that a certain unusual death had been discovered. There was another doctor involved but the Nurses were too busy to explain quite who he was as they had many skinned knees and elbows to tend to. BUT… they let her know to come and view the trouble right away.

* * *

[Hospital background sounds, flipping pages…]

STOKES: Hmm, seems like a Dr. Pierce is in charge of the remains of a… erm… Tom Jennings, Julia.

HOFFMAN: Tom Jennings? I think he was the handy man at the old Seaview Property of Collinwood, wasn't he?

STOKES: Yes, Julia, he is… erm, well, he _was_ , I suppose. Looks as though one Dr. Pierce brought him in unannounced and has made due to take his autopsy into his own hands.

HOFFMAN: Oh, well… wait… Doctor Pierce? From _Crabapple Cove?_

STOKES: I have no knowledge from whence the man dwells, Dr. Hoffman. Why, what is perturbing you, so?

HOFFMAN: (irritated sigh) Oh… good lord! _Why him?_

STOKES: What's wrong, Julia. Is he a quack?

HOFFMAN: (laughing cough) Ohh… he's a fine doctor, but he does quack things up something fierce. Or something pierce… _wonderful_ , now **I'm** already doing it! Oh… (defeated angst) what did I do to deserve this?

STOKES: I am intrigued at the prospect of meeting someone who is having this effect on you. We only know his name and it's not uncommon. Let us venture forward to the room and investigate the body.

[steps sounding down hall, M*A*S*H* background music cue, door opens]

HOFFMAN: (takes a breath and carefully speaks) Dr. Pierce?

HAWKEYE: (as enthusiastic as ever) Yowza, yowza, yowza… look at that doctor and, s-a-y… what a distinguished looking chap you've got there. Finally getting some vamoose, Hoffman?

STOKES: (intrigued) Well, I can see what she meant when she described you to me, Dr. Pierce. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor Stokes.

HAWKEYE: (happily flamboyant) AH! Quite so! By the looks of things I can see you've STOKED her fire a bit. Quite an accomplishment… I couldn't get a nuzzle out of her, myself.

HOFFMAN: (resignedly, with little hope) Dr. Pierce… could you _please_ be serious for once?

HAWKEYE: (kick-back) Nope! Can't afford it, Hoffman… Even now that I'm making good money again. Well, Proff- I'd shake hands but I'm a little _gloved_ at the moment.

STOKES: (accepting) Of course. How is the… well, the patient?

HAWKEYE: (incredulous) Patient? You mean _deceased._ He's just fine. Quite out of his misery, I'm sure. Completely drained dry by some blood sucker. I hear the mosquitoes can grow to human _size_ around here.

STOKES: (vaguely aghast) Goodness! You appear to take this in stride, Dr. Pierce. Have you been to Collinsport before? You sound like you're _very_ aware of its peculiarities.

HAWKEYE: Oh! I know about Collinsport… (laughing) Say the secret word…? And a rubber **bat** will flap down and give you a hundred dollars! (still laughing)

HOFFMAN: You see? I told you. Dr. Pierce, how did you come into this mess anyway?

HAWKEYE: Well they don't call me Hawkeye for nothing, Dr. Hoffman. I was on my way to a surgical convention.

HOFFMAN: (incredulous) A surgical convention, Dr. Pierce?

HAWKEYE: Yeh, can't picture me at a place like that, right? But I wanted to see an old friend whose name I still can't figure out. All he'll ever give me is his initials.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) Well, it shouldn't surprise me YOU'RE here considering all the gags we've been having.

HAWKEYE: Ah-hahaaa! _Finally_ seeing my point about too much drama clogging up the proverbial pipes?

HOFFMAN: Hmmph… I think it happened by accident… ever since that butler showed up here.

HAWKEYE: Oh, yes! Wadsworth. Collinsport's ode to P.G. Wodehouse.

HOFFMAN: Huh? Where did you hear that?

HAWKEYE: (shrugging) Eh, a gal I ran across in Brooklyn. She knows that housekeeper over at Collinwood.

HOFFMAN: Uh-huh… I see you still have the Hawaiian shirts beneath your coat… Guess it gives you warm thoughts in this climate.

HAWKEYE: A bit- But multi-cultural interests are rising up like the spooks around here. And someone at that Norrie's in Schooner Bay knows how to make a good Mai Tai.

HOFFMAN: (annoyed) Spooks? So… know about those too. You seem _p-r-e-t-t-y_ amused by all this, as if _you_ had to live through such a troubled town with all its terror.

HAWKEYE: HA! Dr. Julia Hoffman…. I know with all the supernatural _hogwash_ going on here, really, you DO remember, as bad as all this is—I saw worse in Korea. You _know_ that, don't you?

STOKES: _Worse?_

HOFFMAN: I… suppose.

HAWKEYE: You'd better. I've had enough talk therapy on your account and Sidney Freedman's that I'm almost having a normal living again. So really, Hoffman, lighten up!

HOFFMAN: (sighs and chuckles) All right, I understand. And actually I was _more_ distressed to know you were here. At this point I shouldn't be surprised more is going on. Does the deceased even have an ounce of blood left in him?

HAWKEYE: Barely a dew drop. I'm surprised there's _any_ moisture left in this Tom Jennings at all. He was pretty decayed already when I found him on the side of the road and just _look_ at that hickey. I haven't seen one like _that_ on a neck since Margaret Houlihan!

STOKES: (perturbed) _Who?_

HOFFMAN: (sighs) Eliot, it doesn't matter.

TOM: Why do you all keep talking about me as though I'm not even here?

HAWKEYE: It's a little distressing seeing how young this boy is… but I've seen it all. Doesn't surprise me the poor fella had it so rough around here.

TOM: Hey! I asked you-

[Music by Lustmord "The Blasted Plain" begins…]

CALEB: (almost softly) Mistah Jennings.

TOM: HUH?

CALEB: You remember me, right, Tom?

TOM: Mr. Collins?

CALEB: (Maine squawk with Victorian jibe) Yeh, that's right. Ya did a lot of werk for me, didn't ya? Ya didn't deserve all this, eh? Poor chap. I had a feeling this was going to happen.

TOM: What was going to happen?

CALEB: You're like me now… Tom. You're dead.

TOM: No… no… I feel the same… and I'm standing…

CALEB: I know, standin' right there. And so here I am. I think we make a pretty good pair, Mr. Jennings. After all, you are family. You know that now, right?

TOM: Family… No, I… wait… what's happening?

CALEB: (sighs) You're receiving the information you need; So much required about your life, about your history, about this world. Ye shan't get it all… but you're beginning to grasp it. Am I right?

[Previous music bleeds out while "El Transcurrir de las Horas" by Bosques de mi Mente, bleeds in]

TOM: (flustered) Yes… yes… I… oh no… something's wrong… with… with my brother, isn't it?

CALEB: That's right, Mr. Jennings. Your brother is in serious danger. Has been for quite some time now… and he's coming, isn't he?

TOM: (whispers name) Chris… _oh…_ if only I'd known…

CALEB: (fed up) P'shh, if only you'd known! Don't give me _that._ It's been echoed across the centuries, Tom. We all say it and it means nothing. If we'd known we likely couldn't a'changed what was eventually to be. God knows **I'VE** tried and I keep trying.

TOM: (exhales) All right, Mr. Collins. So what do we do now?

CALEB: Come back to Seaview, Tom. I'm not really here. I'm only transmitting myself to help you come back. And you won't necessarily be stuck as I am. I made my contract, as ye know, but I haven't made my peace with this shoddy world yet. Not until it gets bettah and I can shuffle off.

TOM: So… I go with you?

CALEB: (kindly) Yes… my friend…

* * *

HECUBUS: Aw, those two do have a manner of sharing the problems at hand.

MILLIGAN: And so they do. But frankly… I'm more worried about the damsel to which I produce _rivulets_ of drool for.

HECUBUS: Ohhhhh! Angelique as a vampire, Master?

MILLIGAN: Yes! For short let's call her… V'Angelique! It is evening and she has finally sustained enough energy after slurping the life-blood from Tom Jennings that arriving upon The Old House is a simple allocation of events. Barnabas Collins has let his guard down within the house and no wonder… The love of his life is there, as is the ghost of his sister, Sarah, his potential father-in-law and renewed comrade, Willie Loomis… So much wonder and bliss leaves our hero with his front door… unlocked.

* * *

[door opens and shuts, steps, fire crackling, DS tension music]

BARNABAS: Who is there? Who… _YOU?_

ANGELIQUE: (comfortably evil) You thought you were rid of me, didn't you? Well, you were wrong.

BARNABAS: (confused by dramatic events, as usual) We destroyed you.

ANGELIQUE: Frightened aren't you? Ohhh, I like seeing that expression in your face. I've been waiting for this moment for a long—

[footsteps, door swings open]

WADSWORTH: Sir, the Ev—oh, dear!

ANGELIQUE: Who are you?

WADSWORTH: I am Wadsworth. The butler.

ANGELQUE: I see. Do you know who I am?

WADSWORTH: Yes. I know, madam.

SARAH: Hello.

ANGELIQUE: (shocked gasping) Sarah!

SARAH: You remember me.

ANGELIQUE: Yes.

SARAH: And you remember what you did to me, yes?

ANGELIQUE: I… I…

SARAH: (stalwart) You made me sick. You made me sick to trick someone.

ANGELIQUE: And now… you're dead.

SARAH: Am I?

ANGELIQUE: Yes… (steps) But your brother isn't, is he, Sarah Collins? And you wouldn't want to do anything to see him hurt now, would you?

SARAH: No. But _you_ do.

ANGELIQUE: (Inhale of breath)

[shuffling down the stairs]

WILLIE: (ready to rumble) Oh, no you don't! Don't you touch her!

ANGELIQUE: So? Another loved one I'll need to make use of. Aren't you… handsome?

WILLIE: (threatening) Sure, lady, sure! Ya wanna stop making trouble for us now that things are better? Don't ya get _my_ back up.

ANGELIQUE: Or what? Would a nice fellow like you strike a woman?

WILLIE: Believe me… I've done worse.

ANGELIQUE: Ah, but… Wouldn't you like to oblige a… well… _deserving_ vampire…?

WILLIE: (slowly) As far as I got things strait… _I already have._ Now you, you stay **away** from this little girl, y'here me, lady?

SARAH: She can't harm me, Willie. Not anymore-

WILLIE: I DON'T CARE! People can be hurt beyond graves, beyond words, beyond any a'this stuff! Memories linger… I know that for sure.

[pause]

ANGELIQUE: (twirl) it's you. You're the one in my way. Wadsworth is it?

WADSWORTH: (vague surprise) Me? Why me?

ANGELIQUE: You're the only one here that doesn't seem to fit. You came from somewhere. Somewhere _very_ far away. You don't belong in this house.

[background music alters from DS to Clue]

BARNABAS: He belongs here far more than you do.

ANGELIQUE: Oh? (breathy) Wadsworth. I'll make you sorry you ever started this. One day where we're alone together?

WADSWORTH: (honest) Madam, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you.

WILLIE: (amused) Hhmph… That would explain a lot about Barnabas.

BARNABAS: (sarcastically) THANK YOU, Willie… Well to make a long story short…

WILLIE & WADSWORTH: **Too late.**

WADSWORTH: Might I sing her out of the house again, Sir? So to speak?

ANGELIQUE: That was you?!

BARNABAS: (smug) Ahhh, admitting the Cassandra role now? It's about time.

ANGELIQUE: (huffy noise) You're all against me. Everyone has _always_ been against me.

WILLIE: With good reason from the looks of it.

ANGELIQUE: Enough. It's obvious I'm no match here so I have a solution… Barnabas? I shall give you 24 hours. You will meet me in the foyer at Collinwood then, and you will give me your answer to our eventually union, the one that was always meant to be, and _you know it_. No matter what happens, no matter what new friends or old family stands in the way.

[Clue background music morphs back into DS background tension music]

BARNABAS: (incredulous) I see. And if I don't?

ANGELIQUE: The ruin will happen again, and I can do it. You've likely heard about Tom Jennings departure by now.

BARNABAS: Yes.

ANGELIQUE: So we're agreed. Don't be fooled by your recent fortune. I will stop at nothing.

[door opens and shuts]

BARNABAS: Willie, how did you know about…?

WADSWORTH: I have made some efforts to apprise Mr. Loomis of Miss Bouchard's dreaded conquests. I believe he understands where you've been coming from all this time, Sir.

WILLIE: I sure do. I can understand that kind of monster creating the same thing in someone else.

BARNABAS: How is that, Willie?

WILLIE: Jason, Barnabas, Jason McGuire, among others. That's all y'need to know.

SARAH: (placating) Willie, come upstairs with me, won't you?

WILLIE: (calming down) Sure, sure little girl… I'll go.

WADSWORTH: I shall follow you both shortly.

[stair steps, music fades out]

WADSWORTH: Distress _is_ often a mainstay here, Sir. But as Mrs. Stoddard has quoted an old friend of hers as saying, you must "plant your feet firm on the deck when a gale blows…hold your head up high _and damn the Devil._ _"_

BARNABAS: Thank you, Wadsworth.

[steps on the stairs, swing of doors]

MAGGIE: We heard, Barnabas. We know.

SAM: Mmm! And it's good to hear Bill Malloy quoted. I'm not sure how that dame got in here, but… well, Bill did tell me I should lock my door if I don't want company. Guess that's good advice for a lot of us. I know nobody's supposed to lock their doors in Maine, but- in a town like Collinsport, maybe we ought to… (sighs) Good old Bill… Making sense of madness was his specialty.

[High Flute- Wall to Wall Neutral background music fades in.]

BARNABAS: Who was-?

MAGGIE: Later, Barnabas. Now we have a bigger problem, and I need to know how you're feeling.

BARNABAS: (frustration) Ohh… I can hardly fathom these circumstances. _Again?_ I allowed myself to be compelled by lust once and all of my loved ones are being tortured for centuries? My faculties are coming unstrung with these diabolical schemes. What _brings forth_ such hostility in a woman?

MAGGIE: I'm a woman and I couldn't tell you. (sighs) Still, I do feel a bit sorry for her.

BARNABAS: Oh? After what she did to you?

MAGGIE: (confused) Huh? Why? What did she do to me?

BARNABAS: Ah, I keep forgetting. Your father remembers some other-worldly knowledge and it seems you don't always have that… well, I'm not sure if I'd call it a luxury.

MAGGIE: What happened?

SAM: (fumbling) Oh… well she… sort of…

MAGGIE: Y-e-s? I'm waiting.

[music fades out]

SAM: Bewitched you to marry Jeremiah.

MAGGIE: (long pause to a wild fume) _WHAT?!_

SAM: I'm sorry, I sort of thought you knew that.

MAGGIE: (still fuming) She… she… (breathing and then letting loose) That's … **_FOUL!_** Arg! Grrrrrrr..

BARNABAS: Ahem! Oh dear.

MAGGIE: (grossed-out, angry, majorly affronted, etc.) Why didn't _either_ of you remind me before?

SAM: (fumbling) Well… erm… you… didn't… ask?

BARNABAS: I'm very sorry I-

MAGGIE: SORRY? You shouldn't have to apologize for _that!_ Of course! _That's_ why that happened!

SAM: Why do you say it that way?

MAGGIE: Well, that whole business was completely puzzling for _one_ thing! I had no interest in him!

BARNABAS: I'm not fond to admit this aloud… but I am relieved to hear that. But… Was it really so… well…

MAGGIE: BAD? YOU _BET_ IT WAS! Haven't you ever had one of those dreams where you're in bed with someone you're not attracted to? _Or worse?_

BOTH MEN: Yes.

MAGGIE: And then the rest of your day is sour and nasty because the whole thing disturbs you?

BOTH MEN: Yes.

MAGGIE: All _right_! Imagine that in _real life!_ And believe me; it takes more than a day or two to get over it.

BOTH MEN: (nasty sort of ewww noise one may have made in the 1960's)

MAGGIE: _Exactly_. If you were ever wondering why I kissed you after you shot him, and me fresh in my Widows Weeds? _Now_ you **know!** Arg! Phew… I don't feel sorry for her anymore. I wouldn't put _anyone_ through that!

BARNABAS: Not even her?

MAGGIE: Okay… maybe once. (under breath) No wonder I strangled her 70 years ago…

SAM: What was that?

MAGGIE: Later, Pop. (sighing cough) I _though_ t we were friends…

SAM: I guess _she_ didn't think so. And what with the way servants had it so hard… well. That might drive me mad all by itself.

BARNABAS: _Agreed._

MAGGIE: Oh?

BARNABAS: Of course. Maggie… Can you imagine me as a servant?

MAGGIE: (a pause and then abrupt chuckle) Sorry… I was just putting you into a bell hop outfit… (chuckles more) It's pretty funny.

BARNABAS: (ironically) Glad you're so amused.

MAGGIE: Well! It beats thinking about that nasty spell… (shudders)

SAM: I suppose it _does_. But, how to resolve this problem with Angelique? That's what I'm thinking. Are either of you coming up with anything?

BARNABAS: Monsier Dupres, I have been in a quandary about that for far longer and I can't decide upon any workable answers.

MAGGIE: (breathes) Perhaps I can.

BARNABAS: How, my darling?

MAGGIE: (pauses) Uncle Caleb?

* * *

HECUBUS: And thusly the diabolical irritation has been lifted however slightly from this particular dilemma, we lead you to the packing of our two cousins, Lily and Elizabeth Stoddard.

* * *

[clothes ruffling, suitcase clicking shut]

LILY: Well! I've got the passports. Lily Drake it **is**! Just like all those years ago. And… [slamming down luggage top with a click] all packed. That does it for us, doesn't it?

ELIZABETH: (sighing) Yes. I am looking forward to the possibility. From what Kooky… erm, Uncle Caleb says, I'm surprised to find out it was Dover. Didn't Leslie mention Essex, Lily?

LILY: Oh, you know those soldiers, they go everywhere. And not all folks are like us, Lizzie. Some creatures move a lot. They don't have the money to stay anywhere they choose.

ELIZABETH: I can see that now… and I wonder… if he's as free as I am… do you think… he'll have me, Lily?

LILY: Oh… Lizzie, with all that passion I remember between you two, if he's free to do so he's likely _waiting_ for you. NOW! Let me lift this pungent veil… and you tell me how I look.

[sweep of veil]

ELIZABETH: Lily Drake… you look as magnificent as I remember!

LILY: Oh? I was trying to look like so many other people. It does seem a little… non-conformist for me, doesn't it?

ELIZABETH: (laughing) Oh, nevermind. It's good, my dear. You're as charming in any condition. But so youthful. How do you manage?

LILY: Chemistry, Lizzie. It's always the wonders of chemistry.

ELIZABETH: I could do with a dose of that. I'd like Leslie to remember me a bit how I once was. Although heaven knows _what_ happened to him during the war.

LILY: (carefree) Oh! Whatever works. I'm bringing my kit, Elizabeth Collins… Stoddard. And maybe some day… _his_ name?

ELIZABETH: Oh… don't get my hopes up. This **is** for Victoria after all.

LILY: Yes… I know, dear. But it would be so nice if…

ELIZABETH: Yes, it _would_ , but I won't rely on that in this journey. We just need to find out. Did he take her to that orphanage like he said? Was it the same one? Hammond Foundling Home?

LILY: Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we?

ELIZABETH: Yes, I hope we'll find out. Well, what else have we… what is that?

LILY: Oh, just a little compact. Not everyone in the old country can see themselves in the glass, don't you know?

ELIZABETH: Can't they?

LILY: Oh, Lizzie, you are so quaint, dearest.

* * *

MILLIGAN: Ah, they are like sisters, aren't they?

HECUBUS: I suppose so, Master. But we must recognize what task Maggie Evans has before her.

MILLIGAN: Yes. I suppose Mr. Caleb Collins might be more warm and welcoming to a woman than how he received his Uncle Barnabas Collins. And so she steps in… all alone… and HAWT… to the Seaview Property to request the help of Kooky Caleb.

* * *

MAGGIE: Caleb Collins? Where are you?

CALEB: (Maine accent with Victorian lilt) **Ah!** My old favourite… Auntie Josette Dupres has arrived…

MAGGIE: All right, I won't argue with that… if you only… _show_ yourself.

[clomping stomps with DS background music]

CALEB: Yes, I'm good at that. As are you at repeating life after life for that old _baggage_ yer ought to be calling a husband by now.

MAGGIE: I've only just gotten used to the idea, Mr. Collins. As you know, I've been underrated and _now_ … I'm hardly shy.

CALEB: (laughing echoes) Yes, I gather we've both come a long way as far as shyness goes. In all my reclusiveness… never thought I'd come out this blustery, eh?

MAGGIE: Well, I've had my own experience on that account. Perhaps we're on par with one another?

CALEB: Aye! Ah… at last, _now_ you've come to see _me_ , and perhaps not for the first time…

MAGGIE: Perhaps not. Although, I suppose any memories I might have of you are rather fragmented.

CALEB: Oh, no, no, my _dear_ Lady Hampshire, no memories as such, though perhaps a little metaphysical suggestion here or there. You didn't remember that silly old song on your own you know.

MAGGIE: The music box? Really? In 1897? That was you?

CALEB: No… it was _you_ , Kitty Soames… it's always been you. But I wasn't going to let that whiff of a past life recollection flitter and fizzle. After all I had to watch and germinate in this stinking hell-hole, I would a' been _damned_ to let that remembrance you had in you snuff out. So go ahead and blame me for all that pain, through the portrait, and back to things I couldn't see, but have sadly discovered…happened. I've **really** come to _despise_ quantum mechanics. It's never seemed to solve anything for us, but just make it worse.

MAGGIE: (soberly) I know.

CALEB: Aye… I know that you know, Josette Dupres. I'm only thankful I'd managed to hang around long enough to see it put to rights. I love you Collins girls, I love _all_ my girls here and I'm _so tired_ of seeing them in pain, even that nasty servant of yourn. But let's not go into that yet.

MAGGIE: Well… that's very kind of you… So, you made those memories stronger, back then? In 1897?

CALEB: (tiredly) Aye, I did. I tried so hard. And after the mess I saw, I started giving up on everyone. I was so upset after believing it _did_ work, only to see you and your father reborn for… _another_ try. (pause) Then … I came to realize that your father was a necessary component to all of this. Why d'yer think yer always called him Pop? He IS your Papa, Josette Dupres. (sighs) Sooo, you see… I couldn't let it go when I saw Uncle Barnabas walk into that diner again… no siree… not this time. And I know I should have tried sooner, saved yer of all that business with the kidnapping.

MAGGIE: It couldn't be helped, Caleb Collins. He simply couldn't remember everything… and (slyly) I could get my own back with him on that score… if you catch my meaning. In fact… he might enjoy it coming from me.

CALEB: (unblushing laughter) Smart girl, _s-m-a-r-t girl_ … oh, how I love 'em. It would be nice to know one of these dames he _actually_ loves givin' him hell for once rather than the opposite. You do yer best on that level, girl. There _is_ a fire in you that's gone far too long unrecognized.

MAGGIE: I see, nice to be put together in your thoughts with Elizabeth Stoddard.

CALEB: (brightening) AH COURSE! She has always been my little sweet petunia, and a treasure higher than others… but you… _you…_ Maggie Evans… you know what you mean to him?

MAGGIE: I've had my own thoughts, and what he means to me.

CALEB: (humming laugh) Hmm-hmm… yes, yes… yer see, I knew yer still cared and more than anyone dared to question. However to question, I DON'T! … _And_ … for the language of flowers, as so prevalent in those old days, yer are _out_ of the list. You're the purple rose, Maggie Evans, just like that dress you wore almost a century ago. The purple rose of his longing… and the one person who will mend that sorry old withering heart of his that I'm _soooo_ sick of hearing weep. Not to mention all you'll do for this petulant town, and have already done for it.

MAGGIE: (vague surprise) Me?

CALEB: (peeved) OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT! Modesty didn't suit yer in the Gay 90's and it doesn't suit yer now!

MAGGIE: (laughing)

CALEB: Oh (laughing) I see… did it to get my goat, eh? Good lass… I could use a small shake up now and then. All right, have your bit of modesty, Margaret Dupres. It's better than bein' all high and mighty.

MAGGIE: (light snort) Thank you, Caleb Collins… hmm… Margaret Dupres? I like that.

CALEB: Than _wear_ it, Margaret Dupres, wear it with pride. We don't need another Collins tacked on to anyone's name. We got PLENTY already. Be Maggie _and_ be a Dupres, and marry Barnabas Collins if you finally find it in your heart to do so. But don't be a Collins, for heaven's sake.

MAGGIE: Oh? Why ever not?

CALEB: Like yer have t'ask? It's just BAD LUCK!

MAGGIE: (muffled laughter) And you're KOOKS… every ONE of you.

CALEB: AH-HAHAHAHAHA! Ye' got us pegged there, Margaret Dupres. Damn STRAIT!

MAGGIE: (humming laugh) Caleb Collins, you are a gentleman.

CALEB: **Was** , Margaret Dupres, **was**! Those days of fops and dandies are _over_ and thank goodness!

MAGGIE: Very good. (sighs) Now, Tom Jennings.

[DS music starts up again…]

CALEB: Yes… Tom Jennings. He's here with me. Just going through the motions now, ghost and all that he is. Can't communicate so well yet with anyone but me and I told him not to bother yet. But that dame of a Mistress Bouchard has to be reckoned with… and that's why yez came to me, inn'it?

MAGGIE: Of course. Well, I hope he'll become less fragmented. Hardly as I was, you know.

CALEB: Hardly, yes! That was very clever on your part, Josette. Separating yourself from your new body to float around and help little David among others. _N-o-t_ a'lotta souls can whip up that trick, yer know. It's a toughie. But yer desire was strong enough. That's likely the reason you had that ability.

MAGGIE: Well, after the memories flooded back… I doubt I still have it.

CALEB: Aye, yer never know, do yer? Anyway, as for your old hand-maiden… I fear I'll never understand her entirely. She had every means ta leave a work of service. Yer'd think by the time she got here and saw Uncle Barnabas so in love with you she could'a just packed up and ventured off with one of the more matriarchal native tribes that kept this place well enough… before we all brought our refuse to dump on it. With all her powers she might have turned the tides there. Ah, well, what could'a been, right?

MAGGIE: Yes, I see your point. But as for the here and now? Can we stop her?

CALEB: Only for a little while, mademoiselle, only a little while… but yer know that dame gets around? She hasn't just brought suffering on people here, ya know.

MAGGIE: Oh?

CALEB: Y-e-s. In fact I've come across a remarkable fellow recently who's been itching to take her on now that she's in the deserving zone of being a vampire.

MAGGIE: And who would that be?

[Familiar Danny Elfman soundtrack begins…]

CALEB: (laughs) Ah, that's the trouble. Can't say his name often… or then HE gets around a bit _too_ much. He's that kinda chap. Not my usual method of addressing such issues, but considering Angelique Bouchard, or whatever she wants to go by, he's the only one offering up his services right now.

MAGGIE: How can we find him?

CALEB: Oh, don't worry. He'll find you. Yer goin' on up to bed tonight, spend time with Aunt Sarah Collins, and you let Uncle Barnabas sit before the fire and contemplate the situation. Don't worry if he's there for a long time or starts talking to himself. He'll be coming to the answers soon enough. He often does.

* * *

MILLIGAN: Ah, Kooky Caleb and his polite demonic connections might be a win in this situation.

HECUBUS: But, Master, don't we want Angelique to win?

MILLIGAN: Eventually we do, but I'm afraid that she'll have to get through some rough business… and if _that's_ what it take to get her anywhere close to ME, I'll be happy to take the harm of viewing a bit of _singe_ to her already blemished beauty.

HECUBUS: Ahh… this can be troubling. But for our two compatriots of the academic variety, there is a scene involving something a little less academic, as Dr. "Loveless" Hoffman and Professor "Lovelorn" Stokes adjourn to her office at Wyndcliff as she finally takes up the fish food once more for her sadly neglected aquarium.

* * *

STOKES: I suppose with all of what's going on, this stress is beyond considerable.

HOFFMAN: It is. Having to explain that our troubles aren't over and to him… it's just so much to bear.

STOKES: Agreed. It certainly is… but perhaps you shouldn't rest it all on your shoulders so much, Doctor Hoffman.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) I'll have to now. It's all on me. I'm obviously alone to sort out the problems.

STOKES: Hardly, Doctor Hoffman. You have an admirable staff… _and_ … I dare venture, a personal admirer

HOFFMAN: (lost) What do you mean, _Professor_ Stokes? After pairing those other two? Can you even suggest another fellow would … interest me… nearly as much?

STOKES: Well, you likely didn't listen to what that ribald doctor had to tell you. I can easily see his behaviour was more troubling to you than what information he was providing you _with_ in his gags.

HOFFMAN: Oh? What do you mean? He didn't really know what he was talking about… hashing out those jokes about you? That man is _always_ making references like that! I never take it seriously.

[romantic DS background music]

STOKES: (Deep breath) Do you remember when it was necessary for me to face down a lovely Angelique Bouchard in my dream?

HOFFMAN: Of course… You said it was difficult because she was both so very beautiful and with such powers _and_ beauty it was a struggle not to get pulled in and trapped by her.

STOKES: Well, can you imagine a woman with beauty of an inner radiance that's even harder to look away from?

HOFFMAN: (sad scoff) Ah, of course… perhaps that strange Maggie & Josette mixture that Mr. Collins loves so well.

STOKES: (impatiently) _Doctor…_ I'm starting to sympathize with that man over your listening skills.

HOFFMAN: What?

STOKES: Julia Hoffman… must you so _thoroughly_ be pining for a man who doesn't love you in that same way, while standing right in front of a man… **who does**?

HOFFMAN: Eliot? **You**?

STOKES: And you have to ask, do you, Julia? A little self-hypnosis might help you to recognize, that Maggie Evans isn't the only person around here with troubles from a past life… You certainly asked that of _me_ on Widows Hill when we all saved that man. Haven't you ever asked it of yourself?

HOFFMAN: Never… no… that… that kind of thing… any familiarity… it's just a dream, a silly old dream.

STOKES: Oh? And what did that dream tell you about me?

HOFFMAN: (pauses… then almost whispers ) We were, You and I … we were…

STOKES: Man and wife…

HOFFMAN: (softly) Yes… yes we were…

[smooching sounds]

["Because" By The Dave Clark Five]

 _It's right that I should care about you_

 _And try to make you happy when you're blue_

 _It's right, it's right to feel the way I do_

 _Because, because I love you_

 _It's wrong to say I don't think of you_

 _'Cause when you say these things_

 _You know it makes me blue_

 _Give me one kiss and I'll be happy_

 _Just, just to be with you_

 _Give me, give me, a chance to be near you_

 _Because, because I love you_

 _Give me one kiss and I'll be happy_

 _Just, just to be with you_

 _Give me, give me, a chance to be near you_

 _Because, because I love you_

 _Because, because I love you_

* * *

HECUBUS: Mmm! That is something else! A doctor and a professor?

MILLIGAN: Well, I thought it would have been _obvious_ enough. Now it's more likely that dame will move on to better ventures and stop getting up the nose of my old bridge partner.

HECUBUS: Master? Dr. Hoffman isn't going away, is she?

MILLIGAN: What? No, my sinister flirtation. It'll just be further recognized that Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman are _friends_ , which will likely **_reel the minds_** of Dark Shadows fans across the globe who've been **white-washed** into the idea there was more going on when he _clearly_ wasn't interested. But what's nice is we'll see something just as lovely and usually ongoing between them anyway.

HECUBUS: What could that be, Master?

MILLIGAN: Teamwork.

HECUBUS: AH! A team. Like you and me, Master?

MILLIGAN: (falters) I'd wager … that we are… at times. As for my old bridge partner, he has been left alone before the fire… awaiting the coming of that which his beloved has told him to expect. Alighting on this blackguard from the Netherworld, even Barnabas Collins is in for a few surprises.

* * *

[fire place crackling]

BARNABAS: (in head) What can be done? All this misery returning to this home as our hearts were beginning to heal. What answer can I come up with? What good does it do me to sit before the fire and be eaten by the anxiety of it all.

GRIZZLED VOICE: You think you got problems…

[Danny Elfman soundtrack from 1988 film]

BARNABAS: (stunned) What was that?

GRIZZLED VOICE: Down here. Flames all about me and I ain't been singe'd yet.

BARNABAS: Who… what… are you?

GRIZZLED VOICE: I'm the ghost with the most, Mr. Big Cake.

BARNABAS: (trepidation) So? The living dead, too?

GRIZZLED VOICE: Yeah… Not that half-way mark in between like you, or whatever you are now. Can't explain that one, can ya?

BARNABAS: No… I am afraid I cannot.

GRIZZLED VOICE: **So** ya don't hafta werry about what I am, eh? Your workin' with a professional here. All y'gotta know is what I can do for ya.

BARNABAS: What can you do for me?

GRIZZLED VOICE: I can stop that vampire chik from buggin' ya. I can take her down. Been wantin' to, actually. Real pain to me at one time.

BARNABAS: Angelique?

GRIZZLED VOICE: You ain't the first man cursed by that bewitchin' blonde, swifty. And a silly mistake with the wrong broad... Tsk-tsk… Well, get over it. She'd be feelin' _twenty_ times worse if she cared for anyone more than herself... HMM! I guess THAT'S why I liked her! She reminds me of me!

BARNABAS: I see. In which case, why would I be persuaded to trust _you?_

GRIZZLED VOICE: A shared enemy; HER.

BARNABAS: And how do I go about employing you?

GRIZZLED VOICE: Ah! Well that is tricky part. You have to say my name three times, but I can't say it myself, and the timing ought to be right, ya dig?

BARNABAS: How do you propose I discover this name?

GRIZZLED VOICE: I put a book on yer desk ova'there. Go on, check it out.

[steps]

BARNABAS: (almost teasing) Astronomy? Would that make you a star?

GRIZZLED VOICE: (impatient) Cut the questions, fang-boy! Flip to the Orion Constellation. It's dog-eared already. See the mid-section? Upper left area of that.

BARNABAS: I see it.

GRIZZLED VOICE: Now on come over… _come on over_ \- show it t'me. I'll let you know if you got it right.

[steps]

GRIZZLED VOICE: That's it, ya got it. Now, you know how to pronounce that without doing so?

BARNABAS: Yes.

GRIZZLED VOICE: Good. All y'gotta do is cake-walk your way out to that rendezvous with her. Take on whatever **smug** attitude you want, say my name and I'll be there. Keep a good distance, too. No need to give her any way of stopping you.

BARNABAS: And what are you going to do to her?

GRIZZLED VOICE: (grim giggles) **_Everything._**

* * *

HECUBUS: Master… Did you hear that?

MILLIGAN: I certainly did! _And I wish I could say it…_ though perhaps not in the way this specter is referring too. Again, he is a _polite demon_ , at least at times. But I understand. We have needs… and perhaps his needs were met with my mistress of the deepest dark… whereas I…

HECUBUS: Master? The final scene, please?

MILLIGAN: (snaps to) Ah, yes! There was that 24-hour ultimatum. V'Angelique is much more secure in her powers now that she's had a good dose of Jennings blood… pretty much ALL of it in point of fact. My old bridge partner and his young lady have settled into Collinwood with steady nerves. Miss Evans prepares to take on her role as governess with Master David while Mrs. Stoddard and Cousin Lily are making way to check in their luggage for the voyage in another region. Barnabas Collins checks the time and steps to the foyer of the main house with poise.

* * *

[door opens and shuts, footsteps, DS spooky music]

ANGELIQUE: Hello. I see you made sure not to doubt my warning.

BARNABAS: No. Of course not. I've decided there is obviously no avoiding this… I hope you won't mind that I begin our… nuptial plans with three words.

ANGELIQUE: (sultry) Yes… those three words I know are in you. Those three words I need to hear from you.

BARNABAS: Ah, I believe I have them, three words you very much need to hear.

ANGELIQUE: I'm waiting.

BARNABAS: Betelgeuse…

[Danny Elfman Beetlejuice music bleeds in]

ANGELIQUE: (concerned) What? Oh…

BARNABAS: _Betelgeuse…_

ANGELIQUE: (panicking) No… no… no… no no no…

BARNABAS: **Betelgeuse…**

[Crash of thunder]

MILLIGAN: "Ohhhh, yes! My little pockmarks of pestilence… We are GOING THERE!"

HECUBUS: HEE HEEE HEEE HEE HEEEEEE!

* * *

All Due Respect To:

The Kids In The Hall

M*A*S*H* (1970's/1980's TV Show)

Clue (1980's film)

The Munsters (1960's, TV Show)

The Dave Clark Five

Beetlejuice (1980's Film)

And, of course

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

 _"The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows" is a Daryl Wor production._

* * *

 _ **A/N: Beetlejuice should be back for one more episode. Let me know what you liked! Thanks.**_


	2. Episode 17: A Bio-Exorcist Comes To---

**_A/N: Hi, Beetlejuice fans. Here's the last of BJ for my series. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you liked! (Audio version is up on other websites!)_**

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows, Episode 17: A Bio-Exorcist Comes to Collinwood

* * *

[Dark Shadows intro music]

MILLIGAN: Greetings. And Welcome to _The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows_. I am your host Sir Simon Milligan… and… with my Manservant _Hecubus_.

[Wild applause]

HECUBUS: Thank you and please-

MILLIGAN: HUSH!

HECUBUS: Who me?

MILLIGAN: No! Just the showy rapture you always get from the audience. We need that hushed. We're in a hurry!

HECUBUS: Ohhh, yes, because we left off with the cliff-hanger in the foyer at The Great House of Collinwood in which Barnabas Collins terrified our lady V'Angelique, short for Vampire Angelique, saying a certain bio-exorcist's name three times. And she has been sucked into the drawing room by her enemy, who may at one time have been her lover.

MILLIGAN: ARG! Has everyone gotten to her ahead of me?! Ohhh… Succubus of Satan. Harlot of The Devil! My sweet, e-v-i-l, V'Angelique! Hmm… sounds a bit Vulcan, that name.

HECUBUS: As in the God of War, Master?

MILLIGAN: No! It sounds Vulcan as in… oh, let's not drag _that_ fandom into this thing! _Alright_. Sullivan or Weinberger, Bailey - Lupatkin - move it, we need the opening credits _right quick!_

[Dark Shadows opening theme, crashing waves, blah, blah, blah]

[swooping noise, "Beetlejuice" music parades in…]

BJ: Miss me, babe?

V'ANGELIQUE: W-h-a-t can _you_ be doing here?

BJ: Just passin' through.

V'ANGELIQUE: What possible need could you have to exaggerate your prowess towards me?

BJ: (Enthused giggles) Getting' a little PAYBACK for the BULLCRAP you shoveled my way!

V'ANGELIQUE: IS that SO?

[Doors closing]

MAGGIE: What is all the noise?

BARNABAS: Just a matter getting straightened out in the drawing room.

[Crashes]

MAGGIE: Barnabas, what is going _on_ in there?

BARNABAS: Well, my dear… I took the steps you suggested and I've summoned… a bio-exorcist to get rid of her.

MAGGIE: You… _didn't!_

BARNABAS: What is wrong?

MAGGIE: Don't you know how dangerous summoning a bio-exorcist is? With any other-world experience; **_I_** know that.

BARNABAS: I haven't any of that which you describe. I've been locked away for over one hundred and seventy years.

* * *

BJ: ALL RIGHT! Ready for a spin?

V'ANGELIQUE: What? Want to dance?

BJ: Just a bit.

[Coiling sounds and flush of spinning sound, whaps against a wall]

V'ANGELIQUE: Oh, now… you're _asking_ for it.

BJ: Yeh, I sure as Hell am. C'mon, bibby. Hit me like the kickin' _biotch_ I know you are.

V'ANGELIQUE: **Gladly!**

* * *

[Crashing, punches, running down the stairs]

DAVID: Oh, no! Is that green thing in the kitchen again?!

MAGGIE: What?! No, it's just... something in the drawing room that… well…

DAVID: No! (running up the stairs)

MAGGIE: David! Come back! Where are you going?

DAVID: I'm going upstairs for my stamp collection!

[Chaotic noises and music proceed. Stomping footsteps across foyer]

BARNABAS: Roger, are you-

ROGER: I know what's going on, I heard the ruckus.

MAGGIE: Where are you going?

ROGER: Huh! Well! The drawing room decanters are hardly at _my_ disposal. I can't relieve my current anxiety with a drink—

MAGGIE: So what are you-?

ROGER: (steps continuing) I'm going to the study to save our insurance papers from _Lloyds of London_ , you daft fools!

[Beetlejuice theme music and explosions/crescendo of noise carries on…]

BARNABAS: Good grief! Can his relationship with her have been worse than **mine**?

* * *

BJ: Caught me at the wrist, eh? What good would that do yeh? I'm dead. (wild laughter) Go ahead, try another bite at me. I know you _want_ to…

V'ANGELIQUE: You don't scare me!

BJ: Don't I? Can't even say my name, can yeh? Too scared, or cursed, whichever. All I know is it makes **me** happy.

[Slap sound]

BJ: Y' swore to me we'd get hitched to pull me outta this later. It's not my rules. I don't **have** any rules.

V'ANGELIQUE: Neither do I.

[crank winding noise]

V'ANGELIQUE: Don't you _even…_

[kissing noise, disgusted response]

BJ: Have I overstepped my bounds? Just tell me. Actually… **don't**! HA HAHAHAHAHAH!

V'ANGELIQUE: How do you have any jurisdiction over me?

BJ: They wanted someone outta their house and I WANTED TO GET someone outta their house!

[scuffling sounds]

V'ANGELIQUE: You forgot the old motto.

BJ: Yeh? What was that?

V'ANGELIQUE: Never trust the living!

BJ: Oh, but I _wasn't._ I was listening to those you _cursed_. I gotta little … _in common_ with the people here, you know.

V'ANGELIQUE: I _command_ you to desist.

BJ: Oh, yeh? _You_ command? **You make me sick.**

[projectile vomit, missing]

V'ANGELIQUE: You've lost your aim, old boy!

[Projectile vomit, again and sounds of hitting target]

V'ANGELIQUE: (disgusted noises)

BJ: Come on, you big, **stupid WORM** – You wanna get nuts? **Let's get NUTS!**

Aw look… beetles (chewing)

V'ANGELIQUE: When I first saw you… I HATED you!

BJ: Which is why you were HOT for me, weren't ya? WEREN'T YA? Wanna piece a'me? Come ON, baby! GO FOR IT!

V'ANGELIQUE: (fiery breath)

BJ: *snort* Easily eliminated.

[many sound effects, stretches and whaps, corkscrew finished, her writhing, him giggling, hammer sounds, staking, steam noise]

BJ: _One thing I never could stomach about Collinsport… all the damn vampires…_

[door opening, "Aftermath" from Beetlejuice soundtrack by Danny Elfman ensues]

BARNABAS: Hello, erm, Mister… Guese.

BJ: Hmm! Not quite my name, but dat werks.

BARNABAS: How did you manage?

BJ: Heh! Well, she despises me enough that I could _easily_ distract her from you. So! That the only person you wanted me to kill? Just that dame, right?

BARNABAS: A woman who refuses to remain dead? Yes. Now what do I owe for your services?

BJ: Huh? With her? Yeah. This one's on the house.

ROGER: It certainly _has_ been!

BARNABAS: You must require a reward of some kind.

BJ: To have revenge? YE-E-AH, that's plenty'a'payback for me. Well, *I* feel better now—girl did me proud. Pretty much a _turn-on_ to fight with her again. Anyway—that variety of her is outta the way so-

BARNABAS: _That_ variety?

BJ: Yep! Can't do much about her as a repeating Witch, but vampire? I had her nailed… IN… HAW HAW HAW HAW!

ROGER: (put out) And what about our house, whoever you are… _the drawing room?_

BJ: Eh?! That's all illusion—go on in, take a gander.

[footsteps]

MAGGIE: How do you know Angelique?

BJ: Ooo-She's been around a few blocks, but… _I've_ been around more.

BARNABAS: And what about her? I thought you said you could annihilate her.

BJ: It's kinda a bio-exorcist-bio-chemistry thing—gotta suspend the bat transformation, put in a few good WHACKS, then a stake, a hammer and yer done. WELP! **I've** had it with Maine—Think I'll check out Connecticut… Winter River… that sounds nice and frosty. She'll never look for me there.

BARNABAS: But, as you say, she could come back as a Witch.

BJ: Yep! When doesn't that rascal? Why do you think I'm hittin' the road? Like I say… no charge…

[wolves howling]

BJ: Oh! That's my cue to split. Best'a luck, folks. I don't - (belches) - I don't do two shows a night. Say, would one of you two do the honours?

MAGGIE: (who's had enough) Certainly. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice,

BARNABAS: That makes him _go away_ , too?

MAGGIE: Beetlejuice.

BJ: Ciao!

[slippery shooming noise with a pop at the end]

BARNABAS: How did you know his name?

MAGGIE: Call me psychic, at least in this instance.

[footsteps settle in]

MRS JOHNSON: (deep sigh) Mr. Collins?

ROGER & BARNABAS: Yes?

MRS JOHNSON: Are you all done out here? With the noise, I mean.

ROGER: Mrs. Johnson. We wouldn't cause such a raucous.

MRS JOHNSON: I realize that. I already know this house is _cursed_. It's simply that I've got an angel food cake to make and I want to be sure it's not going to fall from anymore racket, is all.

ROGER: (sarcastically) Oh, well… we all know how important **that is**. _Certainly_ , the walls of Collinwood may split asunder as long as the _cake_ rises.

BARNABAS: Yes, Mrs. Johnson I believe the noise level will be to all of our satisfaction.

MRS JOHNSON: Good. (slam)

MAGGIE: With that slam I suppose the cake has yet to reach the oven.

ROGER: I **do** love how we can shift our concerns from the destruction of our home to the culinary needs of baking. (Door squeaks open) Just checking to make sure that drawing room is back in proper order. I'll be off putting the insurance papers right where they were.

[steps out]

MAGGIE: I'm not going to reprimand you.

BARNABAS: Oh? I-, was hoping that you _might._

MAGGIE: Why?

BARNABAS: May I release a little tension?

MAGGIE: Of course.

BARNABAS: It inspires my passion when you reprimand me… Josette.

MAGGIE: (fun-loving) You _are_ terrible.

BARNABAS: Someday I promise to be wonderful for you.

MAGGIE: You already are…

[smooching sounds, door opens]

LILY: You see there, Lizzie! Nothing horrible has happened. Love in all its grandeur meets us by the door!

ELIZABETH: (vaguely affronted) I can see that!

BARNABAS: I do apologize, Cousin Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: For what? Showing affection in our house of doom? It's about time someone bothered to display their love-shenanigans around here apart from my own daughter.

MAGGIE: You haven't sensed anything awry, have you, Mrs. Stoddard?

ELIZABETH: Well, we noticed a flash of lightening coming from _inside_ the house rather than _outside_ of it, if that's what you mean. Cousin Lily informed me you'd both been to see a certain Caleb Collins who warned us some pesky flotsam was going to occur soon.

MAGGIE: Pesky and flotsam are hardly the words I would use, but that sounds like our Caleb.

LILY: (Smilingly) So you have met him, Miss Evans. Isn't he gallant ghost? Underneath his cranky veneer, I mean?

BARNABAS: (amused) I suppose we could call him just that. He arranged for me engage with a bio-exorcist to diminish that lady you mentioned, Cousin Lily. I can't say I'm disappointed at the results… but the interim was most disturbing.

LILY: Uncle _Caleb_ arranged? (somewhat disapproving) Cousin Barnabas? Did you hire a bio-exorcist? That can be very, very dangerous, you know. Why it might have brought down the whole estate. Ghosts and such are one thing, but those kinds in such a business are a little loopy, so I've heard.

BARNABAS: I was merely doing what I was told, I'm afraid.

LILY: Ah, and I'm sure, now that it's all worked out, Uncle Caleb is having a _grand_ laugh over the whole thing.

BARNABAS: No doubt.

DAVID: (walking down the stairs) Aunt Elizabeth, did you hear what happened? It was so loud and scary and I wish you would stay!

ROGER: (walking in) Ah, there we are. David is showing his enamoured affection for your departure, Liz. Well done, I say.

ELIZABETH: I can see the troubles going on here have pretty much brought the entire household right where we needed them to say our farewells.

DAVID: Aunt Elizabeth, _don't_ leave now! Something else might happen! You can't leave us now.

ELIZABETH: David, we've already had our luggage carried out and our plans are set. I'm sure you can trust Miss Evans, Cousin Barnabas and your father to keep things well in hand.

DAVID: It's _not_ just that. Before all of this I noticed more howling in the woods, even some growling.

LILY: Oh yes, we noticed that too.

DAVID: You did?

LILY: Yes! It was very pleasant, indeed. It'll be a shame to miss hearing more of it. Collinwood is feeling so much like home now.

ELIZABETH: Lily, I wasn't going to bring up what we heard out there.

LILY: Oh, Lizzie. Nothing to be afraid of! I was almost sure it was my brother Lester tracking me down. I even called out his name. If it was him I'm not surprised he didn't respond. He can get very fractious on a moonlit night.

BARNABAS: (under breath) Are you _sure_ you want to be part of this family, my love?

MAGGIE: (also under breath) Now more than ever.

ELIZABETH: Lester? Lily, didn't you say he was more of the family vagrant?

LILY: Gutter-pup would be the more accurate description, I believe.

ELIZABETH: Why _would_ you want to hear from him?

LILY: Curiosity. It killed the cat, you know.

ELIZABETH: And that's a good thing?

ROGER: (impatiently) Must we go _on and on_ about Cousin Lester? Really, we've had a scare and that's a fact but it's over and we ought to be pleased our Elizabeth is not only getting out of the house but going on a journey. It's been high time.

ELIZABETH: (snide) And you'll have the decanters _all_ to yourself, Roger. Won't that be marvelous?

ROGER: (exhilaratingly) Yes, it will be!

MAGGIE: Don't worry, Mrs. Stoddard. I'll take a draft or two and see he isn't the only one imbibing.

ELIZABETH: Good! Now, does anyone know where our blessed tickets are?

ROGER: Oh? Huh! (ruffling) Here you are, Liz, courtesy of Richard Garner.

ELIZABETH: Thank you, Roger… and about bloody time.

LILY: (shocked) Lizzie! Don't say the word "blood" in my company unless you're planning a buffet!

ELIZABETH: From the looks of it, Lily, there will be _many_ and _plenty_ a buffet dinner on the cruise we're taking.

LILY: Good. And dancing. There had better be dancing, not like on my last voyage overseas. Or my name isn't Lily Drake!

ELIZABETH: I'm not going to touch that one.

ROGER: Now have you got everything, Liz? Or were you simply coming back to poke your nose into the fuss?

ELIZABETH: (heavy sighing) Fond farewells, Roger. Is that too much to ask?

CAROLYN: No, Mother.

[High Flute - Wall To Wall DS music applies]

ELIZABETH: (lovingly) Carolyn! (clothing ruffles) Now you'll have me ruining my make-up!

BARNABAS: That's likely to happen regardless. Everyone, come and wish our Elizabeth and Lily farewell.

[Multiple footsteps and ruffling]

LILY: Goodness! You won't wonder if anyone is going to miss you at this point, Lizzie!

CAROLYN: I will miss you dreadfully, Mother. Keep bundled up on that voyage. And don't forget to call us!

ELIZABETH: I certainly will.

BARNABAS: And write to us.

ELIZABETH: Yes.

DAVID: And don't forget us!

ELIZABETH: We won't, David, we surely won't.

ROGER: Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH: Roger?

ROGER: (Misty) Come back in one piece, won't you?

ELIZABETH: (smilingly) Roger… of course I will.

LILY: Lizzie. The car is waiting. Come _on._

ELIZABETH: All right. Parting shouldn't be so horrible… but…

BARNABAS: You shall be missed, Cousin Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: Barnabas… (light hum) What would we ever do without you?

MAGGIE: We would _all_ have died on the vine, Mrs. Stoddard.

MRS JOHNSON: Let the women LEAVE, for Heaven's Sake. The ship isn't going to wait for them!

ELIZABETH: Good-bye… and my love… to you all.

[Door closing]

DAVID: (pause) I think I'll poke around the kitchen and find something to eat. All this activity in one night made me hungrier than I've _ever_ been.

MAGGIE: Mind the noise, David. You know how Mrs. Johnson is about her cake.

DAVID: All right.

[door closing]

CAROLYN: I have a sister…

[footsteps]

MAGGIE: What are you saying, Carolyn? What's the matter?

CAROLYN: I overheard them talking. This trip isn't a joy-ride or an excuse to visit England. I have a sister… And she didn't tell me…

ROGER: Why are you saying that, Kitten?

CAROLYN: (sorrow and confusion) She wouldn't go to all this trouble if I didn't have one! She wouldn't go overseas looking to find out about her. Whether or not it **is** Victoria Winters… I have a sister and my mother knows that. And she didn't tell me. WHY? Why didn't she tell me?

ROGER: Oh, Carolyn. You know how filled with secrets this house has been and likely still is.

MAGGIE: Carolyn, _wouldn't_ it matter if it was Victoria? Wouldn't that matter?

CAROLYN: (quavering) Yes… when she came here it was like we were _already_ sisters… so much of the time… having breakfast… the little things… and the bigger things, like when Willie was harassing us in the kitchen… _or_ when we were joking about… fights at The Blue Whale… bad places to take a date… it's like we _already_ were sisters… like we already knew … and that scares me… we went through so much together here.

BARNABAS: And you will again, Carolyn. You will again. I'm sure Victoria will come back.

CAROLYN: Barnabas? Do you believe Victoria _is_ my sister?

BARNABAS: I… have strong suspicions that this is so.

MAGGIE: And mine are even stronger, Carolyn. Does that help?

CAROLYN: Yes. Yes it does. Thank you, thank you.

ROGER: Come along, let's get you up and having a… a…

CAROLYN: A brandy, Uncle Roger?

ROGER: Whatever you want, Kitten.

CAROLYN: That and your company, of course.

* * *

MILLIGAN: For in so much that our beloved residents of Collinwood have experienced further levels of the world crashing in on them, as is their wont, we allow them a night's sleep and proceed into the next day at The Evans Cottage.

* * *

[Door opens and shuts, sound of percolator feeds in]

SAM: Maggie! You're home. I thought you were going to spend a _few_ nights getting settled in that spooky old joint no one could pay you to work in.

MAGGIE: Yes, for a hundred dollars a day, no. (sigh) Coffee perked yet?

SAM: Almost… Eh, looks like Collinwood is as surprising as ever from how you appear. Is Wadsworth's lingerie lying around at The Great House, too?

MAGGIE: (laughing) Oh, Pop. You never fail to put a light-heart on all of this turbulence.

SAM: Well, we **were** once related to the French nobility, Josette. Now here we are on the wrong side of the tracks and left to the more peasant foundations, along with (letting out a sigh) … bizarre… supernatural exports. I have to allow for some bowing to the absurd, and I'm sure you do more so.

MAGGIE: But that doesn't stop the jolting affect it has when it comes.

SAM: Of course not. Want to sit down and tell me about it?

MAGGIE: Yes, more than ever, Pappa… Pop.

SAM: That's okay, Maggie. I like the switch. Juggle the nicknames and get used to that.

MAGGIE: All right. I already told you about Caleb when I got here before.

SAM: Yes. Some Victorian era gentleman… sounds like a doozy and a half. What a _crank._

MAGGIE: Mmm-hmm! So I went to stow some extra things in Victoria's old room.

SAM: Mmm, the one that used to be _yours_ anyway.

MAGGIE: (contemplative) Yes, just to _see_ it again. That was jarring enough. Thankfully she'd taken almost everything she kept there.

SAM: No music box?

MAGGIE: No- and Barnabas has promised me I won't see it until I want to.

SAM: **Good.** We've had enough of that tinkling. You don't even remember him giving it to you… well, not the first time he gave it to you.

MAGGIE: (soft) _Pappa, I do._ Vaguely. I remember it vaguely. It was so tender, him giving me that wedding gift among so many others… so long ago, but I need to keep pace with everything in the present especially. The music box comes later. It's too wrapped up in the kidnapping for me right now. The first time he gave it to me is coming back… slowly, and…

SAM: And that's natural considering all of this.

[percolator finishes]

MAGGIE: Coffee's done, Pop.

SAM: Hmm? Oh yes, it is. I'll get it… (strained sounds of getting up, walking back and forth and setting down cups) Now, you've had some mischief. I can see that. We'll wait for this to cool and you tell me about it.

MAGGIE: Pop? Did Captain Gregg remind you of some of the… entities that lurk in the shadows?

SAM: _Not much_ , I daresay. I'm still trying to digest most of my own personal experiences when it comes to all this… reincarnation jargon. As for otherworldly regard? It's very much like Sarah Collins' ghost and her own ambiguity. You can't always put your _darn finger_ on what you know and what you don't know.

MAGGIE: That's true. Poor Barnabas. Always so uncertain about me. No matter what I do to reassure him that it _is_ me, he has so much fear that it isn't true. Like it's a spell that will break at any moment.

[cups shifting]

SAM: (resignedly) Maggie, he was _always_ like that. If there is any nervousness in him that you aren't who you obviously are, rest assured **that** is your proof _._ He is the same man you fell in love with over a hundred years ago. I **told** him that, too. I was positive you loved him. I had **no** doubts in my mind about it. We were about to embark on a share to our sugar cane profits for your marriage, and I was willing to with my knowledge of your love for Barnabas Collins on that account. I **knew** you loved him and I _still_ know it. Insecurities and all.

MAGGIE: (fair laughter) All right. If he is always going to be nervous about me, at least I can take comfort in the knowledge he is Barnabas Collins and no other. At least that part of him hasn't changed.

[cups and saucers shifting]

SAM: So. After all of this, what dark entity was Captain Gregg supposed to remember to warn me about?

MAGGIE: (sounds of hands over face) Mmm… (then without) I shouldn't have been so terrible. ***I*** was the one who mentioned Caleb Collins' ghost helping us, then he does and I was so upset at the result.

SAM: What happened?

MAGGIE: All right (hand slapping to lap) I told Barnabas about Caleb's advice, Barnabas sat up late, then the next thing I know? Everything is **fine**. He lets me know the situation is under control. Trust him to handle it. I do. I'm over there preparing to take on the governess role for David and? Calamity strikes at Collinwood.

SAM: (Trying to joke) Nice respectable house with nice respectable horrors?

MAGGIE: Pop, these horrors were **not** respectable.

SAM: Oh? We _are_ talking about the same Collinwood, aren't we?

MAGGIE: (singing upward as if to shrug) I want to say _yes._

SAM: Then say it. If we weren't shocked by what goes on up at that hill? It wouldn't be Collinwood.

MAGGIE: All the noise, just banging, growling, clattering of wood, metallic thrashing and…

SAM: What? No screaming?

MAGGIE: Yes, screaming or laughing or something in between. I ran down the stairs and it was mainly going on in the drawing room. Some bargain was made and there was some ghastly creature that had encountered Angelique before and wanted revenge.

SAM: Oh?! Old demons coming round to haunt her too? It wasn't Jeremiah was it?

MAGGIE: No-o-o. The correct title was a bio-exorcist.

SAM: A **bio** -exorcist? I've heard of exorcists but that sounds backwards.

MAGGIE: Exactly. Ghosts who exorcise mortals from homes they're haunting, except Angelique is no mortal. But as a vampire she was corporeal enough that he could tear her apart and destroy her… at least this embodiment of her.

SAM: _W-h-a-t_ happened?

MAGGIE: She was more physical than witch, a ghost with that understanding, he taunted her, they fought. She was at her wits end.

SAM: And then?

MAGGIE: It was hard to make out at first but there was a great deal of swaggering and showing off between them. A battle of powers, past grievances and wit. Then? As far as I can make out… He sent her to Hell in a hand basket.

SAM: Oh, my stars! ha ha ha ha ha ha!

MAGGIE: You're getting the abbreviated version, Pop, not the one I had to live through.

SAM: (trying to calm down chuckles) All right, all right. Let me pour the coffee.

[various liquid noises]

SAM: You simmer yourself in a steely brew and we'll sit down and contemplate this.

MAGGIE: Well, what are we going to do now? She always comes back, Pop. You _know_ that.

SAM: Mmm-hmm! (shuffling, metallic noises)

MAGGIE: Pop? What is that?

SAM: Oh just a little compass. The Captain gave it to me as a method for requesting his help if need be. We'll have to think about what to explain to him precisely… but…

MAGGIE: Well, perhaps not _just_ now. But you've piqued my interest. I'd like to meet this mysterious sea captain. After all, any friend of Sarah Collins is a friend of mine.

SAM: Of that I have no doubt.

* * *

MILLIGAN: And so goes the odd discussion our reincarnated du Pres' are whipping up. In all of this madness perhaps we need a little time out with our cherished companions, Wadworth and Willie Loomis. However rugged and cramped our Willie's quarters happen to be. Our butler has presented him with a new calligraphy set, courtesy of Professor Stokes mentoring attentions.

* * *

[sounds of scribbling]

WILLIE: Wadsworth?

WADSWORTH: Yes, Mr. Loomis.

WILLIE: I think I need a little help.

WADSWORTH: I believe you're using that that pen most adequately, Mr. Loomis.

WILLIE: I'm not talking about that, Wadsworth.

WADSWORTH: Then you ought to make yourself known in what you do want to say.

WILLIE: Well, I know what you've explained to me with that Angelique creature and Barnabas. I get that. In fact, I'm pretty glad to find out the man had some leanings toward women like I've had. Makes the ol' guy more human to me, you know?

WADSWORTH: Mmm… I should hope so. What have I not apprised you of?

WILLIE: (sigh) I still can't get over it. _How…_ after all we went through… how is it that Maggie **is** Josette? I'm startin' to understand the previous life idea. Little Sarah gets me through that part of it. But how is it that Maggie Evans went through _all_ that we went through with Barnabas kidnapping her and she never remembered she _was_ Josette?

WADSWORTH: Ah, you've known the young lady in your own way. Did you notice at times she became glassy-eyed and uncertain, Mr. Loomis?

WILLIE: A'course. Maggie Evans gets a look of being so… hypnotized. There were times when we had her here and… you knew that, right, Wadsworth?

WADSWORTH: I've been very aware of what happened here between you three. The evidence made it obvious to me.

WILLIE: All right, old friend. Always knew I couldn't keep anything from the likes a'you. But there _were_ times Maggie would play along with the Josette idea like Barnabas wanted her to… and then there were times she seemed lost in it… trying to find herself.

WADSWORTH: Precisely. That's what makes these experiences so difficult. One knows there are memories which are locked away. The lost-look comes from those searching to find them; seeking out the answers, as it were.

WILLIE: And so with what you told me, Doctor Hoffman finally used that pesky medallion for discovery instead of… hidin' things.

WADSWORTH: Yes. Doctor Hoffman has come a long way, particularly hard with someone such as… _myself_ in her way.

WILLIE: (chuckling) No one can beat you, you old sauce. Not even me.

WADSWORTH: I shall try to take that as a compliment, Mr. Loomis.

WILLIE: (chuckling) Well… I'm not convinced about Maggie yet, not quite.

WADSWORTH: That's perfectly understandable. Even Mr. Collins isn't convinced of her yet. He harnesses so much self-doubt and disbelief in gaining extraordinary wealth outside of materialism. He always has.

WILLIE: No kiddin'. And… that… Angelique broad…

WADSWORTH: A force to be reckoned with. And we will have to again someday.

WILLIE: Knowing about her… always reminds me to be better.

WADSWORTH: How so?

WILLIE: I've never been as horrible as that woman from what you've told me. I think about her and I think about what I would be if I had magical powers like that and how I could manipulate _lives_ with them. It makes me shudder and it makes me understand how far I've come.

WADSWORTH: Good. And I hope I've had a hand in that change.

WILLIE: Heh… You always have, Wadsworth. I didn't tell you this before. I… I was too bewildered at seein' you again. But I'm glad you're back. I'm glad you're here. You were there for me as a kid and in a way that made the world make _sense_ to me. Something better, something _for_ the better, something to strive for… that I… lost as I grew up.

WADSWORTH: _Very good._ That is what I'm here for. And I'm happy to know you see it that way… Mister Loomis.

[door creak]

SARAH: Hello.

WADSWORTH: Hello, Miss Sarah, come to see my old employee.

SARAH: Yes.

WADSWORTH: Then I shall leave you to it, Miss Sarah.

[door shuts]

SARAH: I think I like him more than I liked Riggs… sometimes.

WILLIE: What ye here for, little girl?

SARAH: I wanted to see how your letters were coming along, Willie.

WILLIE: (with a smile in his voice) That's right. You know more about this penmanship business than anyone might give you credit for. Come on.

[sounds of lap-sitting]

SARAH: (surprised) What do you have, Willie?

WILLIE: Wadsworth just brought this to me, ye see? Ye see what this pen is made of?

SARAH: (breathing) It's glass… a glass pen.

WILLIE: That's right, angel. I was surprised too.

SARAH: I've never _seen_ one like this before. It's so pretty…

WILLIE: Just like you.

SARAH: (admonishing) _Willie._

WILLIE: I can't help it, Sarah. I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

SARAH: All right. Have you been practicing?

WILLIE: Yeh. Want to tell me that poem to practice with?

SARAH: Mmm-hmm… _"That evil is wicked is well understood, the wicked are punished so you must be good."_

WILLIE: All right…

[scribbling]

WILLIE: How's that?

SARAH: That's right, but it wouldn't hurt to write it again, Willie.

WILLIE: As you wish.

* * *

HECUBUS: Hmm… That was too sweet for me, Master!

MILLIGAN: (Misty) Oh shut up! Sentimentality isn't a crime, my deficient demon. In fact, it's how all of us get so far in our besotted upbringing. But if we need a different kind that involves… well, shall I say it? Carnal romance: Let us move our attentions to a car ride between our gumshoe prominent lawyer and that Lady Ace, Carolyn Stoddard.

* * *

[motor humming, Santo & Johnny "Birmingham"]

TONY: I hope I did well to get your mind off of things.

CAROLYN: You always do, Tony. After all that ruckus at home and my mother leaving for her trip, I was thinking another tragedy would shock me out of enjoying our time together. But now… I'm wondering if the tale about Tom Jennings is even true.

TONY: Not having the full scoop on it makes it difficult to know what to feel. But I'm determined to keep hope alive… until we have full knowledge of the situation.

CAROLYN: Yes, and I'm already missing my mother even though I'm sure her ship is hardly out of port by now.

TONY: A lot happening all at once. Standard Collinsport isn't it?

CAROLYN: And I keep thinking of that sunrise this morning. As orange as flames but purple too… it looked as if night time was slowly descending.

TONY: Very lovely… just like another view I enjoy seeing in front of me.

CAROLYN: The compliments never stop do they?

TONY: Why should they?

CAROLYN: Ah, my Uncle Roger was talking about so many smiling faces reminding him of advertisements.

TONY: Those smiles are certainly surreal on advertisements, almost creepy… but yours makes me believe the world isn't such a rapscallion place after all.

CAROLYN: As yours are to me, Tony.

TONY: There are these times I feel so penned in at the office, going over law books, double checking language… I's dotted, T's crossed, but you know what gets me through it?

CAROLYN: Ah, don't tell me.

TONY: I'm going to, Carolyn Stoddard… it's you. All the thoughts of your silvery-blonde charms. All the stories about you being someone's princess or kitten. All the time you spent growing up just so that you could be sitting beside me right now.

CAROLYN: Oh, Tony. Don't be too romantic. You need to… keep your eyes on… THE ROAD!

[swerve, random honks, stalling of car]

TONY: **That** was a close call.

CAROLYN: Of all the not-so-secret societies in the world, why _is it_ that visiting Shriners feel such a particular **need** to parade themselves in squat little autos and red fez caps?

TONY: A way to stand out and show that they belong to a group. Fraternity is the basic answer.

CAROLYN: Do fraternities always hog little town roads and clog up traffic?

TONY: _Only on_ special occasions, or ventures into regions with too much supernatural activity.

CAROLYN: (laughingly) You made that up.

TONY: What if I did?

CAROLYN: Well I'd need to point it out, Mr. Peterson. Anyway, this turnout is a good spot to lay low for a while. They can steer themselves back to the Inn and have the excitement of relaying the adventure of it at dinner, I'm sure.

TONY: What to do while we wait?

CAROLYN: I have _my_ ideas.

[smooching sounds]

* * *

HECUBUS: During this delightful escapade in which, thankfully, no beloved characters **nor Shriners** were injured in the making of, we see Doctor Hoffman peeping through the window of a romantic eating establishment nearby.

* * *

STOKES: What do you see, Julia?

[walking from window, footsteps and sitting down]

HOFFMAN: Oh, looks like Mr. Peterson managed to avoid a crash with the Shriners parade going on. I must say, Dr. Pierce picked the _better_ convention to attend.

STOKES: Ah, well who knows? Considering Dr. Pierce, and a friend of his similar boisterous persuasion, they could get up to some mischief that would cause as much calamity.

HOFFMAN: _Perhaps_ , but I wager he and his friend only got up to such antics from not wanting to be in Korea at all, nor drafted. It isn't unusual for those with a sense of humour to use it to keep from going loopy in a battle zone.

["Begin the Beguine" at the piano in the restaurant…]

STOKES: This is true, my dear. Now, as we await our meal you must tell me how your day has gone. I told you Wyndcliff missed you.

HOFFMAN: Ah, and you were very right, Professor, very right. I had to admit a little girl into the asylum this morning. Tom Jennings had a sister he was taking care of, Amy Jennings. Of course she is in total shock as Tom was the only close relative she really had left in the world.

STOKES: Their parents deceased?

HOFFMAN: Yes, and not long ago, I'm afraid, so this loss has come and I decided not only would Wyndcliff give her shelter and regular meals but also the attention for the grief she's going through.

STOKES: I see. I told you that checking into your place of employment would garner the advantage of further accomplishments, my dear.

HOFFMAN: (getting sweet) Yes… yes, you did. I remember. On that morning drive after saving our friend, Mr. Collins.

STOKES: Yes. Glad to hear you refer to him as a friend.

HOFFMAN: I **do** have the ability to recognize the true nature of relationships in my profession, T. Eliot Stokes.

STOKES: I always knew that you did, Doctor Julia Hoffman. Truths in these matters where I am concerned weren't always so forthcoming. It's a benefit to all of us that we can finally discuss the incredible past of Mr. Collins. He is, somehow, the same man as history records from centuries past, isn't he?

HOFFMAN: Yes he is.

STOKES: Once he was only available in the evenings, of course. I presume something has been going on to allow him to be active during the day. Did you have a hand in making that happen?

HOFFMAN: Yes, I did. He's not fully cured of his ailment as certain symptoms strike him.

STOKES: The yearning for blood?

HOFFMAN: (low gasp) … well…

STOKES: Doctor Hoffman, allow me a smile at your blush. I would prefer to induce that with my own affectionate attentions. Let us not dwell on how it happened for him to have more flexibility now. Something maintains of a curse on him and that shall take more than science to administer, I'm afraid.

HOFFMAN: I suppose it will.

STOKES: But I must know if he currently exhibits signs of that ailment or so you describe. He was a mortal man from the start, was he not?

HOFFMAN: Yes, our Mister Collins wasn't a vampire and then he was and now he sort of _... isn't_.

STOKES: Julia? What is this Barnabas Collins? A _Zen_ Koan? "First there was a mountain, then there wasn't, then there was"?

HOFFMAN: You're thinking of a popular song.

STOKES: Which is _based_ on the translation of thoughts in Buddhism about the state of understanding the world. But let us digress.

HOFFMAN: _Fine_ by me.

STOKES: I believe between the two of us we can help to come up with a solution. One element that fascinates me is the similar affliction of lycanthropy.

HOFFMAN: Oh? Werewolves?

STOKES: Precisely. How do you feel about that subject, Doctor?

HOFFMAN: (sultry) Professor? If there is a goodnight kiss into the bargain? I'll talk to you about **anything**.

* * *

HECUBUS: And as we fan ourselves off, we leave our collegiate couple to daintily pick at their plates, enjoy gazing into each other's eyes, and continue to wrestle with the means of making the Collinsport world a better place with their intellectual prowess.

MILLIGAN: Enough with the damn usage of the word prowess, diddly-pips. We have an ocean liner to congregate our listeners to.

HECUBUS: Well! Excuse me for _breathing_ , master.

MILLIGAN: Excused, and don't think I didn't consider _withholding_ that excuse. Now we are allotted the great time that it takes to set forth on an ocean cruise liner. The journey by train they hampered themselves into and learning to walk sideways at times.

HECUBUS: (chuckles) The thrill of cramped traveling can make people _very_ friendly, indeed! What about their stay in New York, master?

MILLIGAN: Yes! Arriving in a grand New York City station, be it Central or otherwise, our fair ladies enjoyed a two-night stay in their _NYC_ hotel, something famous and ritzy, no doubt. Spending their time in whatever fun loving way was possible considering how distracting such a city is by itself, they were eventually whisked toward the West Side of Manhattan by taxi to their ocean liner docks. And then?  boarded The RMS Queen Elizabeth!

HECUBUS: Are you sure that is historically accurate, master?

MILLIGAN: No, and anyone who has a problem with it should have contacted us sooner! **So there!** As for our Lily Munster, or Drake, and Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, they have managed all of this wondrous travel while… shuffling horrendous indiscretions in who will carry what luggage to where, and who are allowed to provide taxi service for our two cousins, Elizabeth and Lily. Several **louts** received some nasty blows along the way, both verbally and physically.

HECUBUS: Oh, dear, Master. How much scuffling was involved?

MILLIGAN: Only in as much as made our Lily feel useful, and her cousin Elizabeth amused. As we know Lily currently **appears** far more mundane and that allows the slimy types to anticipate more timidity from her, but rest assured, she knew how to throw **mighty** _curve-balls_ in their direction.

HECUBUS: Yes, the "get-out-of-my-way" approach. This leads us to their doing all the bureaucratic actions a trip like this involves, and after some taking of ginger, which prevents nausea, our Lily and Elizabeth are upon the punch table in a ballroom of the Queen Elizabeth ocean liner operated by Cunard.

MILLIGAN: More details than we needed, _but whatever._ Let us join their undertone of frivolity, or so it appears… _at first!_

* * *

[background of passengers, tinkling of glasses, footsteps all over, ocean noises]

LILY: Mmm, so good to get all settled and acquainted with our surroundings.

ELIZABETH: I should say so. Far less nuisance than I anticipated.

LILY: Because I got rid of them as they came, didn't I?

ELIZABETH: Yes, you did, my dear cousin.

["Jump in The Line" by Harry Belafonte music begins…]

LILY: LIZZIE! Oh I _love_ this number. Put down your glass.

ELIZABETH: Why?

LILY: We've **got** to dance.

ELIZABETH: To this?

LILY: **Of course!**

ELIZABETH: But we don't have partners.

LILY: Lizzie! **I'm** your partner. Now come along!

ELIZABETH: Oh… I mustn't.

LILY: Yes! I insist!

ELIZABETH: All right. If you insist.

[running out to dance floor]

LILY: Come on, Lizzie; Calypso!

ELIZABETH: All right, I'm moving! I'm moving!

LILY: Oh, we can shake hips. It's all right.

ELIZABETH: Ohhh, Lily!

THE GHOST OF BILL MALLOY: Every _year_ that went by, Liz, every _year_ , you hoped the ghosts would be pushed further and further back, till they were hidden so deep they don't matter no more. But a ghost won't die. And _this_ ghost is here to revisit the greatest woman on the face of this earth...

(Music grows louder for a moment as Bill Malloy appreciatively watches the dancing.)

THE GHOST OF BILL MALLOY: It's been _too_ long since you were happy enough to dance, Liz. It's been _far_ too long since you and I danced together. (Pause a moment for thought, then:) You know, I think it's just about time for me to _cut in._

ELIZABETH: Yes, it's wonderful!

LILY: Yes we are. Yes we _absolutely_ are.

ELIZABETH: Thank you, dear.

[music swells, dancing ensure)

LILY: (gratefully) Elizabeth? … **thank you for inviting me…**

ELIZABETH: (warmly) You're welcome, Lily. You are ** very **welcome…

 _Shake, shake, shake, Senora  
Shake your body line  
Work, work, work, Senora  
Work it all the time  
Dance, dance, dance, Senora  
Dance it all the time  
Work, work, work, Senora  
Work it all the time_

 _Senora dances Calypso  
Left to right is the tempo  
And when she gets the sensation  
She go up in the air, come down in slow motion_

 _Ok, I believe you!  
(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)  
Somebody, help me!  
(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)  
Ok, I believe you!  
(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)_

 _Whooooa!_

 _Shake, shake, shake, Senora,  
Shake your body line  
Shake, shake, shake, Senora,  
Shake it all the time  
Work, work, work, Senora!_

[cruise line horn blare]

All Due Respect To:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

Beetlejuice (1980's film)

Harry Bellafonte

The Munsters (1960's TV Show)

M*A*S*H (1970's and 1980's TV show)

Shriners International (unless there is any objection)

The Ghost & Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show and **2012 film** )

 _The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows is a Daryl Wor Production._

* * *

 ** _A/N Hi! Yep, I know it's a lot to say what you liked, so I have two fun suggestions:_**

 ** _1) A line from The Golden Girls, Sophia Petrillo, "I laughed so hard I peed. And then I laughed at that."_**

 ** _or_**

 ** _2) Cousin Lily's final line in this episode to her Cousin Elizabeth. That would do nicely. :)_**


End file.
